Sheelzebub of Pinko Femnist Hellcat has written a terrific post about telling women to smile (recent “Alas” posts on that topic can be found here and here). Here’s a sample, that I think cuts directly to the heart of the matter:
What is surprising is that so many people in these discussions don’t get just how entitled one must be in to order a perfect stranger to smile at them. At the very least, it’s rude, boorish, and rather obnoxious. It says a lot that a random man feels he has the right to try and dictate how a woman arranges her facial features. It says a lot that it’s considered no big deal for a woman to be expected to change her expression for a stranger’s comfort.
Do you command random people to sing for you? Dance for you? Tell you a joke? Why is it okay to order a woman to smile? And why is it so terrible for her to resent this?
Sheelzebub also quotes Mary’s comment posted on Alas (Mary is the blogger behind Naked Furniture).
Last year in college I took a polisci class on feminism, and one of our assignments one weekend, after having read a piece by [Miss Manners], was to go out and basically do something that you wouldn’t expect someone of your gender to do. Most girls did things like open the door for their boyfriends or pay for dinner, but I went out and told random men on the street to smile. I’m Southern and a manners stickler, but let me tell you that I never had so much fun being balls-out rude in my LIFE. You’d think I had actually said something like “Did you know your penis is very, very small?” They were just appalled. I wouldn’t ever ADVISE doing the same thing, of course…but if you should ever happen to try it, in the interest of SCHOLARSHIP, you know…
I recommend reading Sheelzebub’s whole post.
Related posts:
As a visibly disabled person using a wheelchair, I have often been told to smile. I don’t believe it is about gender in my case because most of the sexist things male strangers attempt with women rarely happen to me — being neuter in my wheelchair and all. Sometimes it has been women telling me to smile, but the vast majority have been men.
Conversely, there have been at least two occasions where I was with other disabled friends and we were so clearly having fun we were told by male strangers that we were not disabled. Just like that, a declaration of WHAT we were not. Because sitting there in our chairs — laughing and grinning — we were obviously not their image of what we should be. Very curious. I’ve always thought these men were trying to square their sense of the order of the universe: disabled and sad, able and happy. Women must apparently be happy too.
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hmmm never had that happen to me… did have a weirdo on a train tell me I had pretty eyes…
One thing I’d like to mention for the list is the expectation of ‘dirty language’ or just reasons not to use it. I have even today at 21 been told by my mother or grandmother ‘Don’t use language like that, it’s not lady-like’ and I think it’s one of the reasons I swear casually a lot today, it became an exercise of spite.
I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, though more often it seems to be members of my own gender telling me to do so– what happens more is that I’m told to hold my features in a “pleasant” or “ladylike” expression when I’m merely wearing a neutral face, neither smiling nor frowning.
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To the man who says smile—
How about you frown for an hour and get back to me.
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I know I’m a bit late to the game here, but I just wanted to say that this happened to me a few weeks ago on the street, and I was incredibly confused. Immediately I felt a rush of ill-defined antipathy toward the man in question – but really, I thought to myself, the next second… what’s so bad about smiling?
I smiled at him. Appreciatively. As if I were grateful to him for his rude, unsolicited, sexist demand. It felt wrong, but I didn’t know why. Reading this post has let me re-evaluate the experience productively. THANK YOU. And from now on, I’ll smile whenever I damn well please.
I’ve had this happen to me so many times… As another commenter said, I wasn’t sure why I didn’t like it, but after reading this I’m not going to smile on command again!
I’m guilty of this. Sorry if it was you. Though the phenomenon may be an effect of privilege, please don’t assume it’s generally malicious – respond with a terse “Frown!” of your own; I’d have appreciated it.
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I get told to smile all the time; been that way my whole life. People who can’t take it when someone is “in their own world” also dislike impassive expressions. I’m guessing these are also the same people who think shyness is a sign of a secret, harmful agenda. I got no patience.
I tried following the old link to Sheelzebub’s post, and it doesn’t seem to exist any longer. I’d love to read the post. Is it archived somewhere?
I have been told to smile throughout my life. I have always hated it. Most of the time I give a smirk or something equivelant. I rarely smile on command anymore but when I was in grade school I was far more complacent. I don’t care if it is a stranger or coworker, it is inappropriate and annoying. I have started responding verbally to some who do it more often and they hate it. This morning I told my male coworker, “No.” “Why not?” “I am not a performing monkey.” He looked embarrassed/shocked and I was so happy about that, that I smiled. Irony?
Either way, I have never been asked by a friend or social acquaintance to smile because they know me. They know what I’m like when I’m not thinking, concentrating or daydreaming. That being said, the women and men at work [or anywhere for that matter] who smile all the time must not have a single thought in their head. I can only assume that their minds are blank slates so they have nothing better to do than be happy go lucky. Something that really angers me about being asked to smile other than the fact that it isn’t natural to smile 24/7 is that those asking have no idea what is going on in my life or in my mind. Maybe I am having problems at home. Maybe I had a flat tire this morning. Maybe I am stressed out about something. To anyone who asks someone else to smile, screw you.
Okay, I’m done ranting.
I, a twenty-three year old man, have been told to smile a few times in my life, mostly by people much older, but recently by women my age. Always found it confusing and presumptuous. I have never seen or even heard of this being a common or gender-based intrusion. Something to watch out for, I guess.
This seems related to strangers (e.g., people in service positions) calling you by pet names. My experience with this is actually exactly the same, although this does seem to be more commonly done to women.
This comes up a lot in the commentary about Rihanna. She has this whole bad-ass thing that she does (which I *adore*) and people are constantly saying she should “lighten up and smile occasionally.” It makes me crazy. She is awesome as she is! Smiling would totally ruin it!!
I have often been told by random strangers to smile. I usually take delight in responding with an intense glare, which makes them very uncomfortable ; )
This has happened to me and I simply respond with a counter order such as ‘dance!’ When they look dumbstruck I explain that I was simply entering into their policy of giving random orders to complete strangers. THAT makes me smile.
Okay, I know I am really late to this ball game. But I have to respond. This just happened to me tonight. Once again, it was a man telling me to smile. This has happened to me so many times in the past, and always it has been a man telling me to smile. My friend and I got in a discussion about this, and she basically thinks I over-react to this issue. It pisses me off beyond belief.
So, I went on the internet and typed in “men telling women to smile” and found this fascinating thread. I agree with the original poster it is incredibly boorish and shows no respect for boundaries. For all this guy knows my mother might have just died! I think it is sad that so many people don’t get how inappropriate this is. Anyway, I am through venting.
Recently I got the whole “you dropped something….. your smile” line. I was caught of guard and almost thought it was clever (until I actually thought about it) and I gave him a sweet smile and a little laugh. I started to walk away and got “I like your hair,” replied thanks still walking, only to hear “but not your personality.” I was astounded, hurt, and angry. Not only did he exert control over me by telling me to smile, he insulted me even after I obliged him with a charming smile. What gives him the right to tell me how I should feel? He knew nothing about my personality yet he felt entitled to criticize me anyway. I’ve had guys tell me to smile in the past and it always makes me uncomfortable and self-concious, like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t walk around with a huge smile on my face. It’s not that I’m even feeling upset when it usually happens, just a neutral face. That makes me worry that my neutral face looks upset or something when I’m not. Why can guys wear a neutral face without being told to smile or cheer up?
I get this at work a lot. I’m a dishwasher in a local restaurant and I’m usually concentrated on my work. I realize I must not look thrilled most of the time, but I’m not always thinking about how miserable I am. Sometimes I might be, but can you blame me?
I didn’t really know why it bothered me so much when mentold me to smile until I read this thread. I also didn’t really know how to respond. Sometimes I will oblige and smile in a kind of “is this good enough for you?” way. Sometimes I’ll ignore them. It always made me feel funny though. A regular customer once started calling me Smiley. I didn’t know if it was because I smiled a lot or didn’t ..and that bothered me about it. After being what I thought was polite and taking it with a smile a couple times I started to really hate it and decided not to answer to it . A lot of the regulars (who were men) started to call me by it, and they would get annoyed if I had the audacity to ignore them. I’m proud to say that no one has called me Smiley in over a year. I feel like I’ve kind of gotten a reputation as a humorless bitch at work because of it though. For now I just keep to myself and do my work until I can find a new job.
Marsbars – thanks for your comment. I hope you do find a better work environment soon. I work in maintenance at a bakery and wash a lot of dishes, but I don’t have the added burden of having to bolster men’s comfort levels with smiles on command. Good luck!
I don’t mind so much if it is someone I know but it is when its a stranger that it really angers me.
‘Smile. It might never happen’
Eh… and how would you know? We have never met before for all you know it has already happened. For all they know Im having an awful time and they could have just upset me by reminding me. Not really something to smile about.
Whoa wait a minute. What’s with white folks asking me to smile. This one really hit home as random white folks have often asked me to smile.
Black guy.
I must be waaaayy unusual, cause I don’t believe I’ve ever, EVER done that to anyone. It seems like a really pointless way to get someone to lighten up. Typically I engage people by drawing them out, if they’ll be drawn out, or asking them questions to get them talking. Things get smiley really quick without me demanding it. I typically also lead by example and keep it light and friendly. I should close by assuring everyone that if I try these things and the person (male or female) that I’m talking to doesn’t lighten up, I back off. Obviously they’ve got a reason not to be smiling.
- Suburban Dad, 41
All I have to say is… what the frakking hell? Is this some kind of American thing?
I have *never* heard of this happening… I mean, OK, my mother and my teachers used to tell me to smile a lot in early grade school (which was annoying), but random people on the street?
Or maybe this is more of a big city thing… weird.
I don’t understand this, maybe because I live in Mexico and I have never heard of something like this. Do people in America just randomly tell you “smile”? I’m male and my family often tells me to smile, but they do it privately and they do it because they think I’m rude and apathetic
I have anxiety that interferes with my day to day life, so normally I avoid strangers, but this usually feels nonthreatening. Strangers, men and women, tell me to smile fairly frequently and I find it comforting because asking me to smile gets rid of some of my fear of them. I guess I never thought anything else of it.