Comments on: More on “Choice for Men”

By: Carlos

Carlos — Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

As a father who has spent 2.5 years and over $65,000.00 to be a father and not a “disneyland dad, I feel the system is totally unfair to men. The majority of “deadbeat dads” are making less than $18K per year, or have lost thier jobs and still have to pay child support equal to their past wages. I have had to defend myself against everything in the book once my son’s mother decided she wanted to take him, move, and have me see our son 4 days a month. After a vicious family court battle the judge awarded me with 15 days, and full legal rights. Our orders included mandatory use of my last name, and that I was to be included in all aspects of my sons life. October of 03 was our court date, after 8 months his mom wanted to move again, I said no as I am rooted here in Morro Bay and she was only moving out of spite. The next week she accused me of sexually molesting my son. I have taught martial arts for 12 years, children from 5 years old to adults. I am a straight up horny heterosexual..The first allegation took 2 weeks to be cleared. I could not see my son for those two weeks. Then in the next 4 months there were 5 more allegations sent to the DA. I was also attacked by two or three guys and almost lost my finger and was stabbed in my foot. I have had to walk away from countless confrontations with her friends whom would try and get me to fight so they could have me arrested as I have earned several black belts. If i did not have my martial skills I may have been killed when I was attacked with a blunt object and a knife that nearly severed my pinky. All came back as unfounded. After a long and expensive psych eval (which I had to pay for $3500.00) the results were that she either has Munchhausen By Proxy or is mentally insane to the point where she would do anything to get our son to herself. We went back to court two weeks ago and I was awarded FULL CUSTODY of our 3 year old son. I am now trying to buy another home (had to sell mine to pay for litigation) andf get my life back together and raise my son. His mom see’s him once a week under the supervision of a therapist. In our society a woman can scream domestic violence or rape or child abuse and they will take that child from the man until he can clear his name. If I did not have a house and high end sports car to sell for attorney’s fee’s I would probably be seeing my son 4 days per month. My story is much more complicated, and I am not perfect, but I am a dedicated, loving father. I will write more, and am actually going to write a book about my own story to help other fathers in my shoes. I have been through it all..THANKS FOR READING AND LETTING ME VENT! If any fathers want some free advise, it would be my honor to help anyone who wants it. Thank you…

By: ginmar

ginmar — Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Carlos, statements like this, based on your experience and yours alone– “In our society a woman can scream domestic violence or rape or child abuse and they will take that child from the man until he can clear his name”—do not do you any good, because this is simply not true. Your statement contains the assumption that such an accusation is a malicious lie.

The fact is, men have a better than even chance of getting custody when they fight for it, and there’s all sorts of dirty tricks abusive men can play, too. There’s still a double standard for parenthood, and women get judged harshly indeed when they’re not perfect. Meanwhile, a guy who chnageds a diaper now and then is seen as Superdad.

By: mythago

mythago — Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Carlos, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, but you’re not really talking about what Ampersand is talking about.

Larry’s proposal gives fathers rights mothers do not have. How is that fair?

A better way to divide the baby (so to speak) would be to give unmarried fathers an opt-IN, rather than opt-OUT requirement. That is, there is no presumption of rights nor responsibilities unless the father signs irrevocable papers to the contrary. Mom can give the baby up for adoption, raise the baby alone, and keep Dad out of the kid’s life, and can’t ask for child support–all unless Dad chooses to ‘opt in’ and assume full parental rights.

As a bonus, men never need worry about a ‘Father’s Day surprise’–absent signing on for daddyhood, an unmarried father is never on the hook. Of course, he also has no right whatsoever to custody or visitation, ever, but isn’t that a small price to pay for escaping child support?

Funnily, I don’t get many men’s-rights activists who are takers on that one.

By: wookie

wookie — Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

In our society a woman can scream domestic violence or rape or child abuse and they will take that child from the man until he can clear his name.

But in our society, a woman can be jailed for “failure to protect” in the event of domestic violence, rape and child abuse, even if she was unaware of the events occuring.

That aside, I feel sorry for you Carlos, but I think the system is not particularly unfair to men, and that your situation (physical violence, near murder etc.) is the exception rather than the rule. The situation/people involved are unfair, not so much the system.