Smile, Damn You, Smile
| October 7th, 2004Sheelzebub of Pinko Femnist Hellcat has written a terrific post about telling women to smile (recent “Alas” posts on that topic can be found here and here). Here’s a sample, that I think cuts directly to the heart of the matter:
What is surprising is that so many people in these discussions don’t get just how entitled one must be in to order a perfect stranger to smile at them. At the very least, it’s rude, boorish, and rather obnoxious. It says a lot that a random man feels he has the right to try and dictate how a woman arranges her facial features. It says a lot that it’s considered no big deal for a woman to be expected to change her expression for a stranger’s comfort.
Do you command random people to sing for you? Dance for you? Tell you a joke? Why is it okay to order a woman to smile? And why is it so terrible for her to resent this?
Sheelzebub also quotes Mary’s comment posted on Alas (Mary is the blogger behind Naked Furniture).
Last year in college I took a polisci class on feminism, and one of our assignments one weekend, after having read a piece by [Miss Manners], was to go out and basically do something that you wouldn’t expect someone of your gender to do. Most girls did things like open the door for their boyfriends or pay for dinner, but I went out and told random men on the street to smile. I’m Southern and a manners stickler, but let me tell you that I never had so much fun being balls-out rude in my LIFE. You’d think I had actually said something like “Did you know your penis is very, very small?” They were just appalled. I wouldn’t ever ADVISE doing the same thing, of course…but if you should ever happen to try it, in the interest of SCHOLARSHIP, you know…
October 7th, 2004 at 3:11 pm
As a visibly disabled person using a wheelchair, I have often been told to smile. I don’t believe it is about gender in my case because most of the sexist things male strangers attempt with women rarely happen to me — being neuter in my wheelchair and all. Sometimes it has been women telling me to smile, but the vast majority have been men.
Conversely, there have been at least two occasions where I was with other disabled friends and we were so clearly having fun we were told by male strangers that we were not disabled. Just like that, a declaration of WHAT we were not. Because sitting there in our chairs — laughing and grinning — we were obviously not their image of what we should be. Very curious. I’ve always thought these men were trying to square their sense of the order of the universe: disabled and sad, able and happy. Women must apparently be happy too.
This comment was written by blue lily.Report this comment to the moderators
October 16th, 2004 at 11:20 am
Smile! and Stranger
This comment was written by feministe.Recent conversations about telling random women on the street to smile, and worse, have been occurring at Alas, a Blog, Pinko Feminist Hellcat, and Jennworks. After last night I have a story to add. A friend and I were out on the town and decided to se…
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April 20th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
[...] The blogosphere previously discussed the phenomenon of men telling women they don’t know to smile. This more recent post sums up much of the discussion and delivers a stinging rebuke to the mood ogling smile evangelist set.Don’t mess with cancer patients. [...]
This comment was written by Prettier Than Napoleon: Smiles.Report this comment to the moderators
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:26 am
hmmm never had that happen to me… did have a weirdo on a train tell me I had pretty eyes…
This comment was written by Torri.One thing I’d like to mention for the list is the expectation of ‘dirty language’ or just reasons not to use it. I have even today at 21 been told by my mother or grandmother ‘Don’t use language like that, it’s not lady-like’ and I think it’s one of the reasons I swear casually a lot today, it became an exercise of spite.
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September 18th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
I’ve had this happen to me multiple times, though more often it seems to be members of my own gender telling me to do so– what happens more is that I’m told to hold my features in a “pleasant” or “ladylike” expression when I’m merely wearing a neutral face, neither smiling nor frowning.
This comment was written by TheSleepingCreature.Report this comment to the moderators
March 2nd, 2008 at 5:32 pm
[...] de parfaits inconnus ne viennent pas me voir et me disent de “sourire” (Plus : 1 [...]
This comment was written by grep|grrl » La checklist des privilèges masculins.Report this comment to the moderators
April 25th, 2008 at 8:13 am
To the man who says smile—
How about you frown for an hour and get back to me.
This comment was written by Dissented.Report this comment to the moderators
May 7th, 2009 at 2:00 am
[...] who tell me to smile or ask me why I look angry. I won’t smile for you, [...]
This comment was written by Things that upset me « Digital immigrant.Report this comment to the moderators
June 24th, 2009 at 11:22 am
[...] Alberta MLA (the Canadian equivalent of a state-level legislator) Doug Elinski is apparently perfectly fine with the fucked-up, extremely rude practice of running up to random women and screaming “SMILE, DAMMIT!” in their faces. [...]
This comment was written by JABbering Stooge :: Amanda Marcotte to the white courtesy phone, please… :: June :: 2009.Report this comment to the moderators
July 14th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I know I’m a bit late to the game here, but I just wanted to say that this happened to me a few weeks ago on the street, and I was incredibly confused. Immediately I felt a rush of ill-defined antipathy toward the man in question - but really, I thought to myself, the next second… what’s so bad about smiling?
I smiled at him. Appreciatively. As if I were grateful to him for his rude, unsolicited, sexist demand. It felt wrong, but I didn’t know why. Reading this post has let me re-evaluate the experience productively. THANK YOU. And from now on, I’ll smile whenever I damn well please.
This comment was written by anon.Report this comment to the moderators
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:52 am
I’ve had this happen to me so many times… As another commenter said, I wasn’t sure why I didn’t like it, but after reading this I’m not going to smile on command again!
This comment was written by C.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I’m guilty of this. Sorry if it was you. Though the phenomenon may be an effect of privilege, please don’t assume it’s generally malicious – respond with a terse “Frown!” of your own; I’d have appreciated it.
This comment was written by Kenny Evitt.Report this comment to the moderators
November 28th, 2009 at 12:56 am
[...] Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.” (More: 1 [...]
This comment was written by Male Privilege vs. Female Privilege | AlekNovy.Report this comment to the moderators
November 28th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I get told to smile all the time; been that way my whole life. People who can’t take it when someone is “in their own world” also dislike impassive expressions. I’m guessing these are also the same people who think shyness is a sign of a secret, harmful agenda. I got no patience.
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November 30th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I tried following the old link to Sheelzebub’s post, and it doesn’t seem to exist any longer. I’d love to read the post. Is it archived somewhere?
This comment was written by Chaiya.Report this comment to the moderators
January 21st, 2010 at 12:35 pm
I have been told to smile throughout my life. I have always hated it. Most of the time I give a smirk or something equivelant. I rarely smile on command anymore but when I was in grade school I was far more complacent. I don’t care if it is a stranger or coworker, it is inappropriate and annoying. I have started responding verbally to some who do it more often and they hate it. This morning I told my male coworker, “No.” “Why not?” “I am not a performing monkey.” He looked embarrassed/shocked and I was so happy about that, that I smiled. Irony?
Either way, I have never been asked by a friend or social acquaintance to smile because they know me. They know what I’m like when I’m not thinking, concentrating or daydreaming. That being said, the women and men at work [or anywhere for that matter] who smile all the time must not have a single thought in their head. I can only assume that their minds are blank slates so they have nothing better to do than be happy go lucky. Something that really angers me about being asked to smile other than the fact that it isn’t natural to smile 24/7 is that those asking have no idea what is going on in my life or in my mind. Maybe I am having problems at home. Maybe I had a flat tire this morning. Maybe I am stressed out about something. To anyone who asks someone else to smile, screw you.
Okay, I’m done ranting.
This comment was written by Liz.Report this comment to the moderators