I cannot count the amount of times strangers reach out and touch my hair. Some people ask if they can touch my hair and some people don’t, and instead just reach out and touch it.

I still feel like I have to let people touch my hair otherwise I might get sick. Better safe than sorry.

I was a Sears with my elder daughter, when she was about 7 months old. I am very pale, redhead, blue eyes. My daughter has dark brown hair, dark brown eyes and her skin is about halfway between her father’s and mine. He’s Asian, and his skin is several shades darker than mine. As I was walking into the restroom to change her diaper, a young white employee was walking out. She was probably 17 or 18. She stopped and stared at my daughter and then said “Where’s she from?” I was not in the mood to give her the easy way out and just say “My husband is Asian” like I usually did, so I said “From here.” She said “No, I mean where did she come from?” “I said ” From me.” She said “No, I mean where was she born?” I said “Norwich” (the town a few miles up the road.) She looked confused and walked away. There were very few Asians in this area, which, I think, contributed to this girl’s ignorance.

A lot of times, when people find out that I’m married to an Asian man, they say something along the lines of “Wow, your kids must be gorgeous!” I am not particularly beautiful, nor is my husband so there’s no reason looking at us separately to think that. Our kids *are* beautiful, but not because they’re mixed or exotic or “other”. They’re just beautiful kids who got the attractive traits from each of us and luckily didn’t get the unattractive traits. I know plenty of biracial kids that are *not* beautiful, and I know plenty of single race kids who are and who aren’t beautiful.

We have since moved from the place where that Sears is, and we’re thankfully in a more racially diverse area, where biracial couples and children are very common. My daughter’s best friend is also biracial, and several others in her class are as well.

I am three quarters Slavonic and a quarter Tartar. I have a mix of Asian and Caucasian traits, and tan to a rather dark brown. People are often curious, but I have never been offended by the question. I do find questions about my religion weird, but being an atheist, I do not care much, and depending of how I feel about the person who’s asking, I give answers ranging from ‘Atheist’ to ‘Tangra’s Chosen, but I had to leave my horse outside’.

On the other hand, one of my friends has a Dutch father and a Islander mother, and is much, much darker than his siblings. He is understandably upset when people comment on that fact, and once took a swing at someone who thought his insinuations were very funny.

If I have a point, it’s that it very much depends on who’s asking and who is being asked. One has no business asking unless one knows the person well enough to be sure that no offense will be taken. But then, there are people who will point out the black hair of the child of two redheads.

In any case, I disagree there is anything inheritently wrong with asking most of these questions (for “Is her ass hairy?”, I’ll make an exception). As far as I am concerned, you are free to say anything that crosses your mind, but you have to live the consequences - from letting people you’re an idiot, to a having your face kicked in.

1)What is the sex like? Does he have a big/small penis? Is she a freak?

Scenario:

Rude person, in normal voice in public setting: “Does he have a big penis?”

You, in normal voice; “Hell, yes, it’s damn big.” In elevated voice so that the person in question can hear you, as well as everyone else within 20 feet: “Hey, Bill, Shirley here wants to know how big your cock is.” Bet you don’t get asked too many more stupid questions for a long time.

I think that many people do not realize that these comments are disingenuous. Many times they are more commentaries than actual concerns about the relationship. Many of them involve as sort of racial curiosity that objectifies couples even if that is not the intention. And, they are often questions that people really don’t want answers to. Many people ask these questions because they are very uncomfortable with the situation.

Now I don’t think everybody has these sort of nefarious motives, but a lot of people do, and this sort of questioning is exhausting after it is repeated time and time year after year.

I share this understanding of the questions - with one exception.

Yes, the questions are often disingenuous; they may be motivated by something other than dispassionate curiosity. Yes, they are often comments in the form of questions. Yes, the questions objectify the interracial couple. Yes, the questions may not be designed for the purpose of soliciting information. And yes, people ask the questions as a means of coping with their discomfort.

Yet I don’t think there’s anything nefarious going on. Rather, as Rachel S suggests, people are uncomfortable with issues of race and uncomfortable revealing their discomfort. In the face of discomfort, people tend to adopt one of two strategies: retreat or advance. Some people deal with their discomfort by withdrawing. They studiously avoiding what is, for them, the 10-ton elephant in the living room - although for you, the novelty of being in a biracial couple may have worn thin long ago. Other people over-compensate for their discomfort by seeking to build rapport with the very people who have triggered their discomfort, on the very topic that triggered their discomfort. Sailorman hints at this dichotomy:

It is very distressing to realize in retrospect that what I thought were harmless, polite, questions could have actually been offensive/discomforting to the recipient. I think I will have to be more cautious in the future, though I worry that too much caution may essentially result in avoidance. Still, from what I’m getting here, avoidance is certainly the lesser of two evils.

But Rachel S.’s final remark is possibly the most relevant: responding to these questions is draining. Intentional or not, well-meant or malevolent, the behavior of majority groups saps the energy of minorities. It may be inevitable, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.

The psychological phenomenon of “attribution error” predicts that people will impute the most charitable explanations to their own actions and the least charitable to others. Thus, people who are repeatedly harmed will tend to impute malice to the people who harm them. And people who feel wrongly blamed will tend to develop a grievance toward those who blame them. Round and round.

And that’s why we continue to tune in to Alas, a Blog!

thanks for the commentary.

Not really. People don’t mind being a member of a group–i.e. interracial couples. What people do mind is the idea that when you are in an interracial relationship people tend to forget that you are part of another group–a family. A few of these questions have this sort of tone. If a couple of the same race walks into a restaurant, people generally assume they are together. When you are in an interracial family, people tend to have the opposite reaction. They assume you are not a family or are just dating and not married, etc.

n.r. said,
“But since I live in a society where racial categories DO matter, the question seems tackless but far from irrelevant to anyone who cares about the interracial couple. The issue may be stressful to the couple, whether or not anyone raises it. ”

Yes, racial categories do matter, but I think the problem here is more that strangers would ask this sort of question. These are questions about people’s personal lives, and they can be asked in certain contexts, but many times the what about the children question is disingenuous. People are making this comment not because they really care about biracial children. Usually, they use this comment as a sort of way to oppose the relationship. That is extremely common in white families.

To everyone,
I think that many people do not realize that these comments are disingenuous. Many times they are more commentaries than actual concerns about the relationship. Many of them involve as sort of racial curiosity that objectifies couples even if that is not the intention. And, they are often questions that people really don’t want answers to. Many people ask these questions because they are very uncomfortable with the situation.

Now I don’t think everybody has these sort of nefarious motives, but a lot of people do, and this sort of questioning is exhausting after it is repeated time and time year after year.

I see two sources of discomfort in Rachel S’s list of questions. First, ALL of the questions remind her that people regard her/her loved ones as members of a group, imputing to her whatever stereotypes they have for that group, and this fact depresses her and makes her self-conscious. Second, SOME of the questions also suggest that people have negative assessments about the group to which the speaker has assigned her/her loved ones. Let me discuss these two objections in turn.

1. The first objection is akin to being told that you look tired. It may well be true, but it does you little good and predictable harm to hear it. You have cause to conclude that the speaker is thoughtless, but not that the speaker is necessarily prejudiced or malicious.

The question, “How are you going to raise your kids?” or “Will you raise your kids as black or white?” seem to fall into this category. These may be racist questions, in the sense that they assume that racial categories matter. But since I live in a society where racial categories DO matter, the question seems tackless but far from irrelevant to anyone who cares about the interracial couple. The issue may be stressful to the couple, whether or not anyone raises it.

Rachel S. acknowledges that when you know her so well that she no longer need question whether you regard her as an individual, some of these questions lose their sting.

2. In contrast, some questions/remarks convey an evaluation that Rachel S does not share. “Have you told your family?” clearly means that the speaker anticipates that SOMEONE will find your relationship objectionable. “Couldn’t you find someone of your own race?” and “You can’t help who you fall in love with” both convey a pretty explicit evaluations.

These remarks give me cause to conclude the speaker is prejudiced, in the sense of drawing opinions based on racial categories. Again, it does not suggest that the speaker is necessarily malicious. But these questions will presumably never lose their sting, no matter how well you know the questioner.

Both lines of questions seem inappropriate for casual conversation, similar to other questions about sex, religion or politics. But some seem redeemable in more intimate contexts; others, not.

OK, Sailorman, I have asked a stranger “is that your son/daughter?” generally while watching him/her play with my kid at McDonald’’s or on a playground or whatever, and in that context it is a completely harmless question, and I would add “s/he’s very cute” on getting a “yes” answer. But I would not ask “is s/he adopted?”

Ok, I think we can all agree here: After telling someone that you think their kid is cute, don’t follow up by asking if the kid is adopted. :-)

I also agree–sort of–that “equal” doesn’t always mean “same.” Though to be honest I would rank damage caused by “equal treatment” as less damaging somehow than damage caused by inequal treatment, given that the history of INequal treatment isn’t so hot (to say the least).

In a perfect world, i try to “hit the mark” and properly balance all the relevant factors. But in an imperfect world, in a situation where I don’t trust myself to hit the mark accurately, I’m always going to err on the side of “treat everyone the same,” not “treat POC or interracial couples differently.”

I think this is an important point that many people are missing. These usually are not isolated questions. They are questions that emerge as a sort of script that people use to exotify and marginalize mixed race people and interracial relationships.

I think it is also important to keep in mind that in many cases these are not genuine, and people often want to ask something different, but they dont have the guts to say it out right.

Diane, I don’t know about you, but I got my kids on eBay.