And Why Did Their Dads Let Them Out of the House, Anyhow?
| July 27th, 2008National Review editor Kathryn Jean Lopez asks a very important question about this Washington Post article about 16-year-olds shopping for bikinis. No, not, “Why was the Washington Post running an article about 16-year-olds shopping for bikinis?” — that would be a reasonable question, the answer to which is “because it’s an interesting article.” Seriously, it’s an article about how teen girls see themselves, their concerns about their bodies, their feeling pressured to dress to attract boys, and their general existence as girls in a society that sees them first as sex objects. It’s thought-provoking, and a strong indicator that we haven’t reached a post-feminist utopia.
So did Lopez ask how we can teach girls to respect their own bodies? How we can teach them that their existence is not defined by the opinions of the boys — or their own perception of what boys’ opinions will be? How we can help them through the period of adolescence when they’re most apt to see themselves in the worst possible light?
No, of course not. KLo’s question is far less interesting:
This Washington Post piece on three 16-year-old girls shopping for bikinis in Tyson’s Corner is begging for a dad to be on the scene. Mom’s no help — one of them provides financial assistance because a teenage girl just has to have a bikini, you know. “Bikinis are more popular because they’re sexier. They draw a guy’s attention.” Where’s dad to just say no?
Because that would fix everything! Yes, instead of being a teenage girl who’s concerned about her body and unsure about how boys view her, she’d be a teenage girl who’s concerned about her body and unsure about how boys view her, but with a dad who is making that even more difficult — and not by asking hard questions, but by simply saying, “No daughter of mine is going to be wearing a bikini!”
That solves nothing. That just leads to a girl buying a bikini and putting it on in secret, to a girl who is now not just concerned that boys view her as sexy enough, but that her father views her as too sexy — too much of a tramp. It doesn’t make her feel better. It makes her feel worse.
What these girls need is, frankly, what this article spurred, and what it hopefully will spur — discussion. Questions. Hard thinking. Consideration. That doesn’t mean they’re all going to put the bikinis back and wear surfer shirts, not this time around, because these things don’t always take root immediately. But the girl who realizes today that she’s more comfortable in a less revealing swimsuit is the girl who next year begins to recognize that society’s views of women are skewed, the girl who hits college and begins to study feminism in earnest, and begins to reshape herself into who she wants to be.
By letting her listen, and think, and learn her own lessons, she will grow up to be a woman who is able to come to her own decisions, and live her own life. A dad or mom who simply says “no” is not doing her any favors. That doesn’t mean there are never times when a parent should say “no” — there most certainly are. But those times are fewer at 16 than six, and swimwear, frankly, is not where the line needs to be drawn, not if that line is to mean anything.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Oh, how I wish my parents had been disciples of Jeff Fecke when I was a teenager. They seemed to believe that saying, “don’t do that” meant I wouldn’t do it…the abstinence-only theory of parenting. I’ve been thinking back to those days and I’ve come to the terrifying conclusion that if I had had worse judgment, and the people I was hanging out with had been not so good people (they were good, but that’s not true for every girl), I could’ve gotten myself in a very bad situation, very fast, with the difficult choice between gutting it out or admitting to being a liar.
That ain’t the way I’ll raise my hypothetical kids.
This comment was written by Genevieve.Report this comment to the moderators
July 27th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I very much agree with your overall sentiment. However:
Are we trying to combat sexism and encourage critical thinking, or are we just trying to get girls to wear surfer shorts? This sentence implies, to me, that the goal is to get girls to wear a certain kind of bathing suit. But girls who are pressured into wearing surfer shorts are exactly as oppressed as girls who are pressured into wearing bikinis. The bathing suit itself is not the point.
And what of the thinking girl who realizes she’s perfectly comfortable in the bikini? She, in my experience, follows the same path — the meaningful things here are awareness, independence, and critical thinking (”discussion, questions, hard thinking, consideration”), not the number of inches of female flesh that are exposed or covered.
This comment was written by Daisy Bond.Report this comment to the moderators
July 27th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Gosh, Daisy had the one criticism I had of this otherwise outstanding post, Jeff K-Lo has been on a remarkable run lately, and she threw up a tired and sloppy one this time.
The way in which the right fetishizes the role of fathers in the lives of their daughters is creepy beyond words; this is of the same line of thinking as those awful father-daughter purity balls. The law of feme covert ought to have ended a while ago.
This comment was written by Hugo.Report this comment to the moderators
July 27th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
And what of the thinking girl who realizes she’s perfectly comfortable in the bikini? She, in my experience, follows the same path — the meaningful things here are awareness, independence, and critical thinking (”discussion, questions, hard thinking, consideration”), not the number of inches of female flesh that are exposed or covered.
I agree with that completely — the girls highlighted in the article all expressed some discomfort with the bikini, but for a girl who doesn’t…then let her wear the bikini, for goodness’ sake. I know if my daughter expressed the concerns these girls raised, I might suggest she consider whether she wants to wear a bikini — none of these girls really sound like they’re doing it for themselves. But if my daughter some day decides for herself that this is how she’s most comfortable? Then that’s what she decides. I may engage her on why she feels that way — but to allow her to be sure about her decision, not to make me sure of it.
This comment was written by Jeff Fecke.Report this comment to the moderators
July 27th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Jeff, except Carly. She was fine with bikinis and was the only one who put her own opinion before that of boys or anyone else. You are concentrating on the fact that Rebecca and Alyssa are ambivalent about the bikini, and so it would be good if they didn’t get one. I think Daisy is going a bit deeper than that, are they ambivalent about the bikini, or are they ambivalent about their own self image? I think from the article they all love bikinis, but those two don’t feel especially confident wearing them. That’s why the bathing suit isn’t the point, the self image and self confidence is.
This comment was written by Donna.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2008 at 7:25 am
And this is why any movie/television show/comedy routine that has a father getting all riled up because his daughter is wearing ‘revealing’ clothes/dating a boy/menstruating will get an automatic F from me. (And I don’t mean showing him saying, “be careful” or whatever…I mean the “supposed to be funny” routine of “if that boy so much as touches you I’ll shoot him!” Ugh.)
This comment was written by Genevieve.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Jeff, as the mother of a 16 year old I have to disagree with most of your analysis.
First, as to the issue of whether a teenager gets to wear a bikini: Sometimes you do just have to say “No, that’s inappropriate and you are better than that because your life doesn’t revolve around attracting males like you are some flower waiting to be picked off by a honeybee.” There are a lot of things I don’t bargain about.
If a girl is pathologic about the issue, then she probably does need further help because something is awry and just telling her to knock it off won’t address the underlying issue. But a lot of girls are just sort of going along to get along and they really aren’t obsessed with the issue, they just need some guidance and yes, limits.
Now, if mom and dad disagree, you have a different kind of problem, and there, K-Lo brings her usual braindead approach — that Dads are there to step in as the WISE MAN in the situation because they have some kind of more adult or more reasonable or more moral approach than Mom. Families don’t run like that — sometimes it’s mom who is too indulgent and sometimes it’s dad, but when parents aren’t on the same page, things are usually a whole lot more complicated and boy do the kids know it and exploit it.
I also am trying to figure out when bikinis becamse a big issue because I wore one as a teenager. I also wonder how embedded of an issue this is, because my daughters don’t wear bikinis and aren’t furiously trying to attract boys. I must have done something right.
This comment was written by Barbara.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I was wondering that too. My parents didn’t care what suit I got, they just told me how much money was available and let me pick out what I wanted. Why are parents getting more conservative, or are they?
This comment was written by Donna.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
There is a scene in King of the Hill where Bobby Hill has been invited to a party where sexual experimentation is taking place. Things are escalating when Hank Hill (Patriarch) comes barreling in and shuts it down, having heard of what was going on. Bobby’s reaction? A breathed, “oh, thank God.”
Parents set boundaries. They say “no”. They relieve children of burdens which the children are not yet ready to handle. Is 16 and bikini season such a boundary? Depends on the kid. Depends on the family.
Setting a boundary too close in can certainly repress a child and push them to rebel. Setting a boundary too far out can leave a child floundering in an area where they aren’t yet competent. In some areas of life, failure and experimentation are good things in modest quantities. I let my child discover for herself why running on wet grass can be a bad idea. I’m more inclined to hem her in when she wants to run on wet stone.
Sexuality seems to be more in the “fall down and crack your skull open” range. I’m not in a position to tell parents who think they shouldn’t interfere or exert some influence that they must do those things. At the same time, I’m inclined to reject advice to just let things go and be laissez faire.
There are many times when it is simply good parenting to say “no”. K Lo is closer to right than she is to wrong; moms can say “no” too, but it’s certainly one of dad’s jobs.
This comment was written by Robert.Report this comment to the moderators
July 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I’m not advocating a ‘laissez faire’ attitude (and I didn’t read Jeff’s original post as doing so, either) when it comes to sexuality. Nor do I think hard boundaries are the way to go about it. Children will never learn anything if they can’t talk about it with their parents. The way to allow children (teenagers) to make smart decisions is by giving them all the information, allowing them to ask questions, and letting them know that if they need anything, you’ll be there. In my personal experience, teenagers can’t be safe if they’re too fearful of their parents, because they will disobey, will try to cover such disobedience up, and won’t have anyone to go to if anything goes wrong.
This comment was written by Genevieve.Report this comment to the moderators