Fat Monologue
| October 7th, 2008
This is a comic I did many months ago (or was it over a year ago?), for a gallery show. Because it was designed to be viewed on a wall, it’s kind of hard to look at online — the panels kind of spiral around rather than going in straight, easy-to-scroll through rows.
I don’t do comics playing around with weird layouts often enough. Thanks to Mandolin for her help with this one.
Anyhow, you can look at the very large pdf file (which is maybe the easiest way to view it, because you can use the little hand tool to move around), or if you prefer look at the large jpg file.
UPDATE: You can now buy a poster of this, if you’d like.
October 7th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Wow. Just wow.
This comment was written by SharonC.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Amp, this is awesome.
Not to repeat myself or anything, but you really should put a book together of your non-Mirka stuff. I’d pre-order. (You could make this the centerfold. ;)
By the way, your link to look at the pdf actually links to the jpg.
This comment was written by Bjartmarr.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I especially like the drawing of the colonized brain!
I think one of the most interesting things the Dali Llama has said is that he can’t understand westerners’ subliminal and outright self-hatred . . . it’s a strange, alien concept to him. Funny, I thought it just went with the species-affiliation.
This comment was written by marmalade.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
God damn that’s impressive, Amp. And it makes me want to give you a hug, one fat guy to another.
—Myca
This comment was written by Myca.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
that was incredible
This comment was written by fathima.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I know this is starting to get redundant, but FSM are you ever brilliant, amp!
This comment was written by Dianne.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I think I said this before, but this piece is so brilliant that it’s literally painful — very hard for me to read, look at, or think about.
This comment was written by Mandolin.Report this comment to the moderators
October 7th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I have to send this to my therapist, because it’s like you went inside my brain and took notes.
The final question posed, does knowing this make a difference in what you believe about yourself? — I wish I knew the answer. Maybe, at the least, it helps to identify the idea that one is disgusting as something inauthentic, a “protective artifact.”
Lately, I’ve been having the experience of being genuinely surprised that I don’t look the way I expect myself to, in a positive way. Not sure what this means.
And, in case you didn’t notice, fat, funny Jewish guys (Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill) are all the rage these days.
This comment was written by wellroundedtype2.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Wow. This is fabulous. Seriously. (And I’m not averse to fat, funny jewish guys myself).
This comment was written by Buffpuff.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 4:09 am
So awesome. That “I suck because I bash myself” panel is exactly how I react when people tell me to stop bashing myself. This offends them deeply.
This comment was written by meerkat.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 4:44 am
Wow, Amp. That’s just amazing. I got all chocked up. Beautifully drawn, and beautifully thought out.
This comment was written by Dee.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 8:14 am
What everybody else said, plus I wished the monologue had kept going, to find out what else you were thinking, colonized and all.
Have you actually exhibited it on a wall somewhere (aka a gallery), and how was it recieved? If not, I hope you do get it out into hard space/time, soon.
This comment was written by Eva.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Thank you VERY much, everyone. :-) I’m answering a few specific comments below, but I read and appreciated all the comments.
Bjartmarr: Thanks, I’ve fixed the links now.
Myca: You’re sweet. :-)
Dianne: What does FSM stand for?
Mandolin: That’s a lot of how I feel about this piece, which is why it’s taken me so long to get around to posting it.
Wellroundedtype2: LOLed at the idea of printing this out to show to your therapist!
Eva: I exhibited it once, shortly after I drew it, in a group show of work by cartoonists. I didn’t get many reactions, although the few I got were all positive.
This comment was written by Ampersand.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 9:16 am
FSM=flying spaghetti monster. A substitute diety of a sort. Touches us all with his/her noodly appendage and loves pirates but only the internet kind, not the real kind that run around with automatic weapons.
This comment was written by Dianne.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Oh, of course! (Slaps forehead.)
This comment was written by Ampersand.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Awesome, awesome, awesome! Please make it into a poster!
This comment was written by Vidya.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.
This comment was written by Diana.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
That’s a great piece of work! I’d buy the poster, fer sure.
This comment was written by 'Ff'lo.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Have you found your feminist shirt since this comic was written? Because they go up to 5x here.
This comment was written by fillyjonk.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
This is so great. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing..
This comment was written by Joy Nash.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Marry me?
This comment was written by Em.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
[...] The Colonized Brain Posted on October 8, 2008 by welshwmn3 You may have seen this over at Shapely Prose (kateharding.net), but for those who don’t go there, this is really interesting: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2008/10/07/fat-monologue/ [...]
This comment was written by The Colonized Brain « A Day in the (Fat) Life.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Fucking brilliant. We’ve all got “colonized mind” going on. I don’t have the fat hate, but I sure do have female hate, and nerd hate, and ugly girl hate…and when someone yells at me to Think Positive! and Love Yourself!, how can I? I hear about how awful I am every day!
This comment was written by Jennifer.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Think Positive! and Love Yourself!, how can I? I hear about how awful I am every day!
Think positive about another. Love another. You get it when you give it. Just a thought.
This comment was written by Maco.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Maco, it’s ridiculous and insulting to assume that people with low self-esteem don’t love others. Please try to think harder about your “just a thought”s.
This comment was written by Mandolin.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Could you please sell this as a poster? I want one for the door of my office so badly.
This comment was written by Elusis.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Beautiful!
This comment was written by SexFatandWS.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Amp/Barry, I saw and complimented at Shapely Prose, but wanted to thank you here for making this. Ow, and wow.
Also - just to continue to state the obvious aloud - you’re really, really good. Poster, yes, but maybe book(s), too? How I would love to see this narrative expanded into full memoir.
This comment was written by Theriomorph.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
P.S. Just realized I was looking at a nude under the spiral monologue (sometimes it takes me a while to see the forest and the trees). Very nice. Lucian Freud, eat your heart out.
This comment was written by Eva.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of it.
This comment was written by spgreenlaw.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
This is great Barry, I love the panels on Carol Hanisch (since I never understood the full context of that quote!).
This comment was written by Jack Stephens.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Beautiful, really freaking perfect. Please sell prints of this I’d feel guilty making one myself without supporting you.
I’ll just sit here flabbergasted for a bit.
This comment was written by Jerad.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
In my great and mighty wisdom, I think this should be a POSTER. It suits the shape better. In the middle of a book you wouldn’t be able to see the art in the crack, plus, it would have to be so small that us OLD fatties wouldn’t be able to read it (even with our READING GLASSES on!)
This is VERY G*R*E*A*T!! I think yo0u could sell a LOT of copies, and Artists DESERVE $$$$$
This comment was written by KMTBerry.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
You can’t see the art in the crack anyways; it’s a frontal shot.
(Maybe it could be the bonus poster that comes in a pocket in the back of the book, sort of like the state map in the back of Thomas’ guides?)
This comment was written by Bjartmarr.Report this comment to the moderators
October 8th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Maco, that sounds much more encouraging than that “You can’t love other people (and also nobody will love you) unless you already love yourself” line that people keep saying in order to argue me into loving myself.
This comment was written by meerkat.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Spot on!
This comment was written by Fatadelic.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 4:50 am
That is gorgeous, and I love the mind-colonization thing.
This comment was written by Anita.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Wow. This is just . . . wow.
I’d buy this as a poster too . . . come to Canada and do a gallery show! I have to do a project on one, and this is an issue that I don’t see addressed enough, especially in art.
This comment was written by Jenny.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Mandolin Maco, it’s ridiculous and insulting to assume that people with low self-esteem don’t love others. Please try to think harder about your “just a thought”s.
I should have reflected a little more on it. I certainly didn’t mean to imply Jennifer, or low esteemers never loved anyone.
But I feel those with low self esteem give their love the way we were taught to; to those we find worthy of it because they are kind, attractive, confident or intelligent, which is a problem if we think of ourselves as unkind, unattractive, stupid or cowardly. Because we fail our own measurement of worth, we can’t receive back what we give.
We apply to ourselves all that we’ve been taught about others, so I offer the thought that we forget what people teach us about others and forget ourselves. See worth in those we were taught have no worth, feel love for those we were taught do not deserve love, and those barriers in ourselves vanish.
That’s been my experience Jennifer. I cannot pull self-worth out of a hat, I cannot think positive about myself in isolation. But in practicing compassion for others I find I simply cannot be concerned about whether I am worthy in the eyes of others.
This comment was written by Maco.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 8:39 am
I find this cartoon moving and beautiful. I love to see men of all kinds talking about issues of body image–the men that I know and love all struggle with it (fat and not and every shade of grey), and all the issues that intersect with it.
I also love your discussion of what Carol Hanisch actually meant by “the personal is political,” which makes me really happy, as it is the second most wrongly used (Audre Lorde’s “the master’s tools” wins the prize, I’d suggest) phrase in general feminist activism.
Here’s the thing–the term “brain colonization” to describe the experience of internalized fatphobia (or internal surveillance, the equally good Foucauldian term another person suggested to me) . Internalized fatphobia is real–the power of your cartoon is your discussion of it.
Problem is, I think colonization (and internalized colonization) is a very specific thing, having to do with nation-states, and experiences of colonized peoples, and resistance, and history and context and systemic domination. I don’t think fat people are colonized, unless they come from cultures resisting colonization.
From glancing at the Fatosphere Feed, lots of writers think this term is just grand, and I think that a discussion needs to be had about the fact that using one term to describe something else dilutes and potentially renders meaningless (or less meaningful) the original description of the term.
Colonization is real and now, internalized colonization is real and now.
Honestly, I’ve been reluctant to post this here, because of how outstandingly badly these kinds of discussions tend to play out with white bloggers, but given that you post critically about whiteness, I thought I’d try.
This comment was written by unscrambled.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Thank you, meerkat. :) That is how I meant it to be taken.
This comment was written by Maco.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I didn’t comment on the subject of the thread and I should have.
This is a profoundly deep and personal message, Amp. Its organic flow, words and imagery both literal and figurative are so complementary to one another it imprints itself in different parts of the mind simultaneously, with an impact that exceeds the sum of its parts. Very powerful.
Good for you, for both your achievement and your courage in sharing it.
This comment was written by Maco.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
This is fabulous! You should put it out as a comic zine. Thanks for getting it down. So close to home.
This comment was written by Krissy.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Amp, you are an awesome feminist! I too cannot wait to take this to my therapist as a sort of show-n-tell.
Also, here’s one of those shirts going up to 4x:
http://www.cafepress.com/wannamakeout.15862038
(weird URL I know)
This comment was written by LoquaciousLaura.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Wow. This was really good.
This comment was written by Valerie.Report this comment to the moderators
October 9th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Oh, how I wish I could show this to my boyfriend. Problem is, he does not speak English. :( This is SO what he needs to hear right now, but I am terribly bad at paraphrasing! So, er … if you do make those posters, I suggest a bunch of translated versions as an added bonus. ;)
This comment was written by Tiana.Report this comment to the moderators
October 10th, 2008 at 1:34 am
[...] people have requested a poster version of “Fat Monologue.” I’m terribly pleased people want such a poster. So I’ve set up a page for it on [...]
This comment was written by Alas, a blog » Blog Archive » “Fat Monologue,” the poster.Report this comment to the moderators
October 10th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Again, thanks to everyone for their comments. I appreciate it.
There’s now a poster version available, for those who want.
* * *
Tiana, if someone wants to work on creating a version in another language, I’d be happy to provide them with the files they need to do it themselves — but I’m afraid they’d need some free time and a working knowledge of Photoshop.
* * *
Unscrambled, I don’t agree with you, and I don’t disagree with you. In non-political contexts, I’ve never agreed with the idea that it’s a terrible thing when the meaning of words grow and change over time; I actually think that’s one of the very cool things about language (at least, English). A feature, not a bug.
And I really don’t think it’s true that “using one term to describe something else dilutes and potentially renders meaningless (or less meaningful) the original description of the term.” That’s what a lot of language conservatives say, but I think language isn’t the zero-sum game they imagine it to be.
Anyhow, that’s the sort of reply that I’ve made in the past, when people have argued against the evolution of words in a non-political context. I have to think about whether or not I still disagree with the complaint when it’s made in a political context.
This comment was written by Ampersand.Report this comment to the moderators
October 10th, 2008 at 9:07 am
[...] please take five minutes to “walk a mile in their girdle” and read this. Per Ampersand (Click for original post at Alas, A Blog): This is a comic I did many months ago (or was it over a year ago?), for a gallery show. Because [...]
This comment was written by Bunnytude » Fat Dialogue.Report this comment to the moderators
October 10th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Thanks for capturing how I feel so much more eloquently and accurately than I could ever do for myself. :)
This comment was written by DrunkBunny.Report this comment to the moderators
October 10th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Just a note to follow up, my therapist thought this was “really nice.” And he’s a PhD (not that it makes a difference).
This led to a discussion of the benefits of “externalizing” these inner debates, so they can be seen clearly.
Thanks again.
This comment was written by wellroundedtype2.Report this comment to the moderators
October 13th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
in this day and age, 5 MB is not considered a large file. in fact its SMALL!
This comment was written by phish.Report this comment to the moderators
October 16th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I’ve read your blog before, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. I just have to say what an amazing, thought-provoking piece of artwork this is.It’s truly moving.
This comment was written by Kit.Report this comment to the moderators
October 16th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Thanks, Kit!
(And everyone else).
This comment was written by Ampersand.Report this comment to the moderators
October 30th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
[...] art, fat acceptance, men, tolerance Ampersand over at Alas, a Blog was kind enough to showcase his Fat Monologue art piece. So often the fatosphere is populated by females, it’s nice that folks like [...]
This comment was written by The Fat Monologue by Ampersand « Naturally Curvy.Report this comment to the moderators
November 1st, 2008 at 11:52 am
My therapist (does everyone who likes the strip have a therapist?) calls that a “Mind F*ck”.
The constant stream of put-downs — not about being fat, but more about being a big queer, from way back when I was a much shorter and smaller queer — is the biggest waste of brain bandwidth going. Amp, you so succinctly captured the character of the internal dialog I’ve had going for as long as I can remember. And yes, I’m going to take it to my therapist ;)
This comment was written by FurryCatHerder.Report this comment to the moderators
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Thank you.
I am currently procrastinating writing my MA thesis related to a very similar topic. You may have just given me the kick in the ass that I needed.
Thank you.
This comment was written by SuMac.Report this comment to the moderators
November 4th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Thanks, FCH. Hope your therapist likes it. :-)
SuMac, if I can kick just one student in the ass, I consider it a day well spent. :-p
This comment was written by Ampersand.Report this comment to the moderators